


Height and its many usefulness’s.

by ArtyMissK



Series: Tall Tales [1]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gen, More tags to be added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-20
Updated: 2015-09-10
Packaged: 2018-02-19 12:44:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 6,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2388695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtyMissK/pseuds/ArtyMissK
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Collection of reader insert drabbles where the reader is much taller than the dwarves.</p><p>Current chapter summery:<br/>A brief interlude<br/> </p><p>1.) Elvish shelving and bottles of wine. (Thorin's company x reader)<br/>2.) Swamps and hobbitses. (Bilbo x reader)<br/>3.) Heights, tress and angry kings. (Thorin x reader) tw: nudity (naked Thorin)<br/>4.) Streams, Rivers and Short Legs (GEN, Reader/Thorin’s company) tw: nudity (naked everyone!)<br/>5.) Hugs and boo-boos (GEN, Reader/Thorin’s company) (Thorin x reader)<br/>6.) Trees, Wargs and Frightened Hobbits (GEN, Bofur x reader)<br/>7.) Hand Height (GEN, Reader/Thorin’s company)<br/>8.) Kings and boxes. (Thorin x reader)<br/>9.) Barrels and how not to escape. (Thorin's company x reader)<br/>10.) Lonely Mountains, Hidden Doors and Stone Stairs (GEN, Reader/Thorin’s company)<br/>11.) A brief interlude<br/>12.) Hobbits and long grass (GEN, Reader/Thorin’s company)<br/>13.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Elvish shelving and bottles of wine.

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the imagine for pulling Thorin into a kiss by the braids. (found at the link below)
> 
> http://imaginexhobbit.tumblr.com/post/94815656075/imagine-pulling-thorin-into-a-kiss-by-the-braids
> 
> Please be gentle this is my first official drabble. I might write a part 2 about the time in Rivendell if it’s wanted. 
> 
> : )
> 
> Standard disclosures apply, I own neither the Hobbit or LOTR. (Well except a rather nerdy collection of the books and movies!) and make no money from any of the following stories.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At Rivendell you watch the dwarves make a pyramid to try and reach the top shelf in the elves kitchen to try ad get the wine.

“Right lass, this way.” Nori says as he leads you through the elvish kitchen in Rivendell, you only arrived a few hours ago how could he possibly know it so well? “Tha’s it up there.”

 

“Not two hours since dinner and we’re raiding the elves kitchen?” you can’t help but ask in disbelief.

 

“Stand guard, we’ve got this.”

 

“Got what. Nori you haven’t told us what we’re doing?”

 

“Getting the vintage elvish wine, those leaf-munchers were never going to let us drink the good stuff.” he replies pointing at the moderately high shelf, it’s got a few ornate looking bottles on it but really, the wine you had with dinner was lovely, it certainly got Thorin drunk quick enough.

 

“Oh, ok…do you want me to?” you say motioning to the shelf.

 

“Kind of ya’ lass, but we’ve done this before,” Bofur says, while turning you around to face the direction you’ve just come from, “just tell us if you see any elves.”

 

It’s ingenious really Nori, Fili and Bofur are on their hands and knees on the floor, while Ori and Kili climb onto their backs also on their hand and knees, making a sort of dwarf mountain.

 

“Right Bilbo, climb up us and get the wine!” whispers Kili in what he probably thinks is a quiet tone.

 

“Lass, make sure we aren’t spotted, Dwalin or Dori could be here any minute,” Nori tells you from the bottom of the ‘dwarf tower’. “not to mention the elves.”

 

Bilbo gingerly puts one foot onto Bofur’s back and his hands onto Kili before pulling himself upright.

 

“Bilbo you’re standing on my hand!”

 

“Stop whining  Kili.” says Fili from the middle of the tower.

 

“Well if he didn’t have such big feet,” Kili responds before whining again, “now you’re standing on my hair!”

 

“Bilbo, we’ve not given you enough credit lad, you’re heavier than you look.”

 

“Oh, shut up Bofur, I’m not that heavy.”

 

“But you’re still on my hair!” Kili says again, now trying to pull his hair out from under Bilbo’s feet, without physically letting go of the darrow underneath him.

 

“Kili stop moving...” and then it happens in one false move, Bilbo slips between Ori and Kili kicking Nori squarely in the face, causing the impenetrable dwarf tower to collapse in a heap of limbs, mainly on Fili’s back.

 

“Are you laughing?” asks Nori as he sits up, rubbing the side of his face. All you can do is shake your head, to scared to open your mouth in case your giggles escape, no matter how funny the situation you don’t fancy being caught by the elves, they’re immortal who knows how long they hold a grudge for!

 

“Kili that was your fault.” says the pile of limbs in a Fili sounding voice.

 

“Well if Bilbo didn’t have such big feet.”

 

“Right, lets try again.” funnily enough it’s Ori who says that, the one you would never have expected.

 

“Is the elf wine really the important?” Bilbo asks, delicately trying to back away from the dwarf pile in an attempt to escape, regretting it immediately as most of the dwarf pile turn and look at him like he’s covered himself in jam.

 

“Fine but I’m on top.”

 

“Kili, I doubt you’re ever on top.” Bofur and Nori don’t even bother trying to hide their laughter as Fili jokes at his brothers expense.

 

“As content as you may be to just lie about on the floor, we did actually have a purpose for coming here.” you ask from your position by the door.

 

Nori side-eyes you dangerously. “Fink yer’ can do bet’er than Bilbo, eh lass.”

 

“Yes, I think so.”

 

“Oooh, right ya are lass, you gonna be on top?”

 

“She can be on top of me anytime she likes!” remarks Fili getting back onto his hands and knees.

 

“Oh, you can be such boys the lot of you.” The darrow get themselves back into their little mountain as you walk close enough, Standing on your tip-toes and reaching up to the shelf, you grab a bottle of wine and hand another to Bilbo before walking from the kitchen, leaving a stunned set of dwarves in your wake.

 

“Why didn’t she say she could reach it!” Kili asks before the tower collapses, again.

 

~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The barrel scene is my favourite moment in the book, so I might work around that next.
> 
>  
> 
> If there’s a part in either the book or the movies you’d like written into this series drop a request to my tumblr it’s: www.durinsmistress.tumblr.com


	2. Swamps and hobbitses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The company have to travel through a swamp, and ‘you’ the reader insist on carrying Bilbo bridal style.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Standard disclosures apply, I own neither the Hobbit or LOTR. ☹ (Well except a rather nerdy collection of the books and movies!)
> 
> Sorry its taken so long to update :)

“This way.” calls Thorin “I know a short cut.” of course being one of his shortcuts it could take twice as long and you may or may not end up back where you started, but nobody says a word happily following in the trust of their king to keep them safe.

 

“Through a swamp?” you ask when it becomes apparent that no one else is going to point it out.

 

“Yes, its quicker.” replies his royal gruffness.

 

“But it smells.”

 

“We’ve faced worse…Onward.” he calls, ignoring the moans and whines of the company.

 

It’s wet, it smells and if you fall in it’ll get everywhere. Why couldn’t the shortcut be through a nice flower meadow or a glen, why did it have to be a swamp? Looking behind yourself to check on the hobbit, you see the poor fellow’s nearly up to his knees in the stuff.

 

Actually, saying that the dwarves aren’t that much better off, at least being human you have height on your side.

 

Pausing you wait for Bilbo (who looks torn between tip-toeing and turning back) how can the dwarves just ignore him, one deep-ish puddle and the companies burglar would disappear!

 

“Bilbo, are you ok?” you ask quietly as he catches up to you.

 

“Never better!” he replies sarcastically “Actually its disgusting I’ve got swamp-nastiness between my toes, it’ll take days to get my hair clean again.”

 

Momentarily you look at his hair, but then you remember that he’s a hobbit and means the hair of his feet.

 

“Bilbo.”

 

“Yes.” is all he gets a chance to say as without warning you pick him up and continue across the swamp carrying ~~your~~ the hobbit, ignoring the befuddled looks you get from certain members of the company.

 

“Why are you carrying me?” he asks, Bilbo always looks so cute when he’s confused.

 

“Because, dear Bilbo we all have shoes and though your feet may be harder they might become sore, who knows what disease lurks in the swamp.”

 

When the company stops for lunch on what can only be described as a slightly less swampy part of the swamp, Oin is upon the hobbit almost instantly asking him if he’s ok and trying to check him for any hidden injuries.

 

“There’s nothing wrong with me!” cries Bilbo.

 

“No lad, I don’t want any tea.” the old coot responds “Someone hold him down.”

 

“Oin,” you interrupt “there’s nothing wrong with Bilbo, I just don’t think we should risk his feet becoming sore from the swampy water.”

 

“Have you seen ‘is feet lass?”

 

“Yes, of course I have, Nori, that’s not the point.”

 

Throughout lunch Fili and Kili sit whispering conspiratorially between themselves, pausing to giggle here and there until Thorin gives the call to continue, where you immediately move and pick up Bilbo before once more trudging through the swampy ‘shortcut’.

 

Ignoring Kili’s whispered “I think she’s a hobbit fancier brother.”

 

~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fill for the prompt ‘Imagine carrying Bilbo bridal style whenever the Company has to go through marshes or swamps’ at imaginexhobbit.


	3. Heights, tress and angry kings.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin’s pissed you off so you hang his clothes from a tree out of his reach while he bathes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Standard disclosures apply, I own neither the Hobbit or LOTR. L (Well except a rather nerdy collection of the books and movies!)

He’d been grumpy all day, sure he was always moody but today it so much worse. Barking orders at the company and growling at the poor hobbit, but shouting at you was the last straw. His royal gruff-ness then stomped off to the river to bathe in peace away from ‘useless women who use their height to their advantage’ whose knows what it was that made him direct his anger at you.

 

Silently following his majesty down to the river you wait for him to disappear into the water, sneaking forward you steal the clothes of your king leaving nothing but his boots.

 

“I’ll show you how I use my height!” you whisper as you hang his clothes from tall branches of various trees around the river, before sneaking back to camp to wait for the fruits of your labour.

 

~

 

“Thorin’s been gone a while.” you say to no one in particular, as you poke at the fire with a stick.

 

“Leave ‘im be lass, ya know Thorin doesn’t get much time to ‘imself.” answers Bofur from where he’s stirring the nights stew.

 

“When he gets back were next.” shouts Nori, your dwarves are funny things, if or when they choose to bath, they suddenly become clean freaks and insist on only bathing with immediate family.

 

“Why does Thorin bathe alone?” you ask curiously.

 

“He’s the king lassie, its just the proper thing to do.” answers Balin coming to sit next to you.

 

“Right, but…but what if something’s happened!” you wonder why he hasn’t come back yet, he must have realised by now, surely he can’t still be bathing.

 

“He’s in a shallow river, what could possibly happen?” Bilbo says while combing the hair on his feet.

 

Not a minute later does what can only be described as a battle cry ring out, trying not to smile too much you are told to stay in camp with Bombur, Balin and Dori while the others go to the defence of their king.

 

You continue to sit and prod the fire knowing damn well you have a shirt that needs mending and just about set your mind to fixing it when Thorin storms back to camp angry and wet wearing nothing but a frown and his boots. Dori the ever doting mother hen that he is, rushes to cover your eyes with a lightening quick reflex, as Thorin in all his kingly glory stands before you and orders you to get his clothes down.

 

“You do it.”  you say removing Dori’s hands from your eyes and standing.

 

“I’m naked.” responds the king through gritted teeth.

 

“Yes, I can see that,” you retort unable to hide your smile, although you do by some miracle manage to keep your eyes on the kings face “what of the others?”

 

“They aren’t tall enough.”

 

“Oh, so now my height is useful you’re talking to me!”

 

“Lass.” growls Dwalin in warning, having returned behind Thorin.

 

“Have you asked her Thorin?” Bilbo’s shout rings across the camp, causing Thorin to turn around, you can’t help but sneak a peak at the kings arse, certainly as nice as you’d imagined – not that you’d ever admit to having had imaging’s of the dwarf king.

 

“I will if you apologise.” you say suddenly, crossing your arms over your chest, bringing everyone’s attention back to you.

 

Thorin grits his teeth as if an apology will hurt, like he’s forgotten the fact that he’s butt naked in a field surrounded by dwarves and whatever else lurks in the nearby forest “Fine…I, apologise.” he says quietly and by the look on his face saying sorry tasted horrible.

 

“Thank you, well now that’s sorted,” you pause as a once in a lifetime opportunity hits you “..Lets get your clothes.” moving to step around Thorin giving his backside a playful smack as you walk past, ignoring Dwalin’s muffled chuckle and Dori’s tut of disapproval.

 

Before wandering off to reclaim the clothes of you’re your favourite grumpy dwarf, high on the fact that you just spanked the future King under the Mountain.

 

~ 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fill for a prompt from the lovely people at imaginexhobbit - Imagine secretly hiding Thorin's clothes while he is bathing in the river and then laughing to yourself as a naked Thorin storms angrily back to camp?
> 
>  
> 
> If there’s a part in either the book or the movies (or not, if you’re into that sort of thing!) that you’d like written into this series drop a request to my tumblr it’s: www.durinsmistress.tumblr.com or leave a comment below :)


	4. Streams, Rivers and Short Legs (GEN, Reader/Thorin’s company)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The company need to cross a river…as if it's going to go smoothly!

They've outrun wargs, tricked goblins, escaped from elves and the one thing that stumps the great and noble company of Thorin Oakenshield is a…river, well river might be a little strong it doesn't even have a current.

 

“It's no good Thorin we’ll have to go around!” shouts Dwalin from the front of the pack.

 

“That wont work, what’a about the wolves!” cries Bofur in return.

 

You sit on a rock to wait out the oncoming argument and listen to Dori and Dwalin loudly discuss the merits of building a raft.

 

“Oh it's not that deep.” you say matter-of-factly.

 

“Actually it too deep for me.” whispers Bilbo, who has sat next to you.

 

It's some time before Thorin shouts “That's settled then we cross here!”

 

“What about me?” asks Bilbo hesitantly.

 

“The wizard will carry you!” answers the would be king.

 

“Will I? thank you for that Thorin,” intervenes Gandalf “you’d really be happy to let an old man wade through a river carrying a hobbit.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Well then, you should go over in two’s then should any mishaps happen there will be plenty of time for rescue.” the wizard’s good you have to hand it to him, without old fashioned and clear advice like that the company would be at least three dwarves smaller by now.

 

As Thorin takes his first step into the river Fili and Kili who have been watching the argument with apt fascination rush past butt naked, carrying all of their clothes above their heads!

 

“What are you doing lads?” ~~shrieks~~ shouts Dwalin.

 

“Well this way our clothes don't get soaked and we can get dressed on the other side.” says Kili his head only just above the water.

 

“And they wont be all wet!” adds Fili in his ever helpful way.

 

Never have you seen the dwarves take their clothes off so quickly.

 

In the end it's settles into family groups first Balin and Dwalin, though Dwalin has to hold his brother above the water…even if it's by his hair!

 

 Next the Ur brothers who cross more or less unscathed.

 

Finally after the others have crossed only yourself and grumpy gills stand on the far side of the river, none but you had noticed the wizard disappear with the hobbit some twenty minutes earlier only to reappear on the other side just as Oin and Gloin finished the crossing…both totally dry with the hobbit giggling to himself like a madman.

 

“Oh come on you two we don't have all day!” groans Fili.

 

“Yeah y/n take your clothes off!” shouts Kili.

 

Now it's not the thought of getting undressed in front of the dwarves that unnerves you, at one time or another you've all seen each other in various states of undress, that's what happens when you travel in the wilderness for so long with thirteen male dwarves…they have no sense of propriety, self-preservation or table manners.

 

You begin stripping off your outer most layer, trying your hardest to ignore the twelve pairs of dwarfish eyes raking over your form, every one of them greedy to see your soft skin bared to the nippy wind and icy water.

 

Thorin in all honesty is too preoccupied with getting himself undressed to notice your state, as you stand by the waters edge in nought but your panties ignoring the wolf whistles from your companions, honestly you thought Fili and Kili were going to be bad, not Dwalin and Bofur…even little Bilbo can't decide where to look first.

 

All of a sudden Thorin walks past stark naked as a jay bird, carrying his armour and fur coat (god help if that gets wet!) you follow diligently after him unwilling to be the only member of the company on the wrong side of the bank (and Thorin) it's not until you get to the deepest part of the river when you realise that although most of the dwarves basically disappear under the water its because they are in-fact dwarves, whereas you are human and the water doesn't even reach you waist.

~

 

“I could’ve left my shirt on.” you grumble as you redress.

 

“Or you could’ve used the bridge over there.” adds Bilbo helpfully, and by god you've never wanted to hit him so hard before.

 

“Yeah, but then we wouldn't have seen you lovely body!” shouts Kili.

 

“And it is lovely!” whispers Fili from behind you, making you jump.

 

“Damn dwarves.” you mumble under your breath as you stomp away.

 

“I think y/n took that rather well, don't you?”

 

 


	5. Hugs and boo-boos.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A dwarf is hurt…your gut instinct is to hug them.

Thorin had been grumpy all day…well more than usual anyway.

 

So when the company broke camp that evening Thorin ordered everyone into their usual jobs and proceeded to sit and polish his namesake shield…yes believe it or it is possible to polish wood.

 

You sat chopping a few vegetables for the nights stew and trying your hardest not to laugh at the irony and the euphemism of the spectacle before you, which was going exceeding well until little Bilbo sat down beside you and innocently said,

 

“Oh look, Thorin’s polishing his wood again!”

 

At which point you creased over laughing…not a delicate giggle that could be thought as sexy or was quiet enough that Thorin wouldn't hear, oh no this was a full on cackle that could have probably been heard in Bree and had you rolling around on the earthy ground.

 

Kili stopped making new arrows, Bofur stopped making the stew, Gloin stopped calculating the finances and Thorin…Thorin just kept polishing while he glared daggers at you.

 

“Girl!” he growled in warning, although it wasn't as intimidating as usual, what with his Oakenshield held upright between his knees.

 

“Yes!” you answered breathlessly, rubbing your sides where they hurt.

 

“Stop laughing.”

 

“But?” you say trying to get a hold of your giggles.

 

“You’ll alert every orc in the area to our presence.” ouch, that was mean.

 

“Thorin that's a little harsh.” placates Balin, running his fingers through his beard.

 

“Yeah, she’s obviously overtired!” shouts Bofur suddenly, waving his ladle around.

 

“Hmm if you say so,” replies Thorin pausing to quickly assess your state “I, ARRGH!”

 

 _Thorin, uncle, sire_ are only a few of the sudden shouts that are heard within the camp.

 

Oin is on the king in seconds, ear horn at the ready “That's a nasty splinter you have there my lord,” he pauses for dramatic effect “let me get some tweezers.”

 

In the end it takes Dwalin, Bifur, Nori and Dori to hold the king down while Oin removes the miniscule speck of wood from the kings palm.

 

“GOT IT!” shouts the medic after a few unsuccessful  attempts and the company audibly exhale as one, as the dwarf pile release Thorin from their hold and the king stands up with unshed tears glistening in his eyes.

 

It breaks your heart to see a grown dwarf look like he might cry and without thinking you stand from your spot by the fire, vegetables forgotten and rush to pull Thorin into a hug.

 

“See it's okay now.” You say stroking his hair gently although you let go before the hug becomes awkward and return to your chores.

 

 

~

 

“What was that for?” asks Bofur once everything has returned to normal.

 

“What was what for?” you ask in return.

 

“That thing you just did.” joins Ori as he comes to sit beside you.

 

“You mean the hug?” you ask with a puzzled look on your face.

 

“Hug.” repeats Ori testing out the new word.

 

“It's a human thing,” you pause when you notice the entire company watching you, well almost the entire company, Thorin stomped off after the hug finished “a hug represents comfort and support.”

 

“Really.”

 

“Yeah! Hugs make boo-boos better.” you say proudly.

 

“An' what about suffocating Thorin with your tits?” asks Dwalin nonchalantly.

 

“Oh well, that's…wait what?! I didn't!” you cry, a blush creeping over your cheeks.

 

“Ya did lass.” says Bofur softly, still stirring the stew.

 

“His arms where flailing around and everything!”  continues Dwalin (not so softly.)

 

“Oh!” you mumble hoping a hole in the ground will suddenly open up and swallow you.

 

“Y/n.”

 

“Yes Kili.” you question nervously.

 

“I’ve got a boo-boo!” Kili smiles as he holds up his index finger to show you a small graze.


	6. Trees, Wargs and Frightened Hobbits (GEN, Bofur x reader)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo has a fear of heights and wargs…and being in blazing trees.

“We’re going to die.” whispers Bilbo.

 

“We’re all going to die.” he says again, only a little louder.

 

“Shut up Bilbo!” mutters Thorin from the branch above you.

 

“The tree will catch fire and then we’ll fall to our deaths and then the wolves will eat us!” starts Bilbo again ignoring Thorin.

 

“Halfling.” growls Dwalin from below you.

 

“WE’RE GOING TO DIE!” shouts Bilbo suddenly.

 

“HALFLING!” shouts Thorin in reply.

 

“It's okay Bilbo we wont die I’m sure Gandalf has a plan when has he ever let us down?” you say reassuringly.

 

“Ya really wanna answer?!” shouts Bofur from the next tree.

 

Yes it's probably true and you will all catch fire, fall to your deaths and be eaten (possibly alive) by wargs, but you try not to think of it as you sit on the branch next to your favourite hobbit and try your hardest to keep him calm.

 

Although it isn’t an easy thing to do with wargs snapping at the tree your hiding in, while Fili, Kili and Gandalf haphazardly throw lit pine cones at the warg-riders.

 

“No, I was just trying to reassure Bilbo.” you shout in reply.

 

Then the unthinkable happens and the tree in front creaks and cracks before falling towards you, it's only by some miracle that all the dwarves in that tree jump in time, no one is even slightly scratched!

 

“Is it workin’?” asks Bofur when he lands on your branch and holds onto your waist to steady himself, before locking his legs around the branch.

 

“Oh, perfectly!” you smile, choosing to hold onto Bofur instead of the tree.

 

However the recent addition to the evenings event has only made Bilbo panic more and he starts chanting again.

 

“We’re going to die.”

 

“We’re all going to die.”

 

“This is terrible, we’re all going to die!”

 

Poor little fellow, he really is frightened…more so than usual, most things frighten Bilbo on a normal day and today has not been a normal day.

 

“Bilbo, I swear to you we will not die, there is nothing to be frightened of.” you say reassuringly reaching out to hold his hand.

 

“You don't know that y/n and Gandalf lets us down all the time!” cries Bilbo letting go of your hand so he can cling onto the tree trunk.

 

“Oh c’mon Bilbo lad, we’ve faced far worse than this!” shouts Dwalin, who bless his little dwarvish heart is still trying to look menacing and battle ready.

 

“But I’m a hobbit,” calls out Bilbo in reply “we are by design scared of heights and wargs…and being in blazing trees…or well blazing anything really!”

 

“It's okay Bilbo,” you pause to look into his eyes “I wont let anything hurt you.”

 

“B’sides wha’ else could possibly ‘appen?” shouts Nori who happens to be hanging upside down from Bilbo’s branch.

 

Really why do the dwarves always say that?! It never helps the situation, in fact it often makes it worse.

 

“Yeah, so we were caught by goblins,” says Bofur softly “but we jus’ crossed the Misties  in ‘alf the time!”

 

“You’re joking right?” ~~says~~ shrieks Bilbo as Nori swings himself upright on the branch.

 

But before anyone has a chance to answer his statement Thorin starts shouting “Azog, Azog I’m gonna’ kill you…you freakish, vengeful slug!”

 

“Slug?” you question, staring down at Dwalin.

 

“Tis his favoured insult.” shrugs the guard.

 

Seeming to have had enough of waiting in the tree Thorin suddenly jumps from his branch screaming blue murder, only to be caught by Dwalin “Nice try, but it aint gonna work!”

 

“Ah perfect timings as every!” suddenly hollers ol’ peace disturber from the top of the tree “Manwe’s eagles never fail!”

 

“Eagles?” calls out Bilbo, seemingly forgetting his fears.

 

“Yes my dear lad, the eagles are coming!” replies Gandalf waving his arms around in wizardly fashion “Hold tight everyone, don't let go!”

 

And with those helpful words of advice/warning Gandalf shoots a bolt of magic at the base of the tree making it snap clean off at the roots before falling over the cliffs edge…only to be caught at each end by an eagle who carry the entire thing off into the night with fifteen terrified passengers and a wizard on board…all of who are alive, uninjured and most definitely not dead.

 

 

~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I er…don't really know what happened…it was supposed to be a readerxbilbo confession of love but Bofur somehow snuck in…and then Gandalf got all wizardy.


	7. Hand Height

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patting the dwarves on the head gets the reader in trouble!

The first time it happened was by accident, Ori killed his first warg and the others congratulated him by either slapping him heartily on the back or head-butting him, he was surrounded by dwarves and you couldn't get close enough to do either, instead you simply reached out and patted him on the top of his little braided head, no-one really noticed…that was how it all started.

 

~

 

The next time it happened was with Bofur, Bilbo lost his footing and fell from the mountain pass that the company was trekking across and gallant Bofur didn't waste a second in pulling him to safety, it was a gut reaction to pack him on his furry hat as you walked past.

 

“Thanks lass.”

 

Although you failed to notice the whispered conversation behind you.

 

“She did that to young Ori the other day.” clucks Dwalin.

 

“Maybe it's a type of secret human kiss!” says Kili excitedly.

 

“We should keep an eye on her.” agreed Balin.

 

~

 

They had been rough housing for hours, early that morning it began with nudging each other off the path, then adding things to other people packs. However when the company made camp for the night it was an all out bundle.

 

“Fili, Kili,” shouted Thorin angrily when the boys kicked over the stew Bombur was making “we need more firewood NOW!”

 

As the boys began to walk away with their shoulders dropped and painfully sad expressions on their faces you couldn't help but cheerfully say “Don't worry I’ll do it.” before standing and walking past the boys and patting them on their heads.

 

“She, she did it to both of us!”

 

“At the same time!”

 

“Yes.”

 

~

 

You realised you’d crossed the line when you patted Dwalin on the head after he started teaching Bilbo to sword fight during lunch.

 

“Lass.” growled the bald dwarf, causing you to squeak.

 

“Why do you do that?” questions Balin suspiciously.

 

“Is it some sort of secret human kiss?” asks Kili eagerly.

 

“Be quiet lad!”

 

“Look I’m sorry okay, it's just that your heads are at perfect hand height.” you apologise.

 

“Hand height?!” asks Dwalin.

 

“Yeah, I don't have to stoop to reach your backs!” you explain as best you can.

 

“Stoop!” cry several of the dwarves indignantly.

 

“Well, I am much taller than you!” you shrug.

 

The dwarves seem to understand this and no more is said, it isn't until later that day when you spot smoke rising above the trees signalling a small town, that you realise how wrong you are.

 

The sudden SLAP scared several birds from the nearby trees.

 

“What was that for?” you cry out in shock and disbelief at having just been spanked.

 

“I was just congratulating you for that spot lass.” answers Dwalin smugly.

 

“Yeah, but did you have to do it so suddenly.” you whine rubbing your tingling back side.

 

“Well your arse is at perfect hand height!” replies the dwarf lord, adjusting the axes on his back.

 

“Hand height?!” you should’ve seen it coming really.

 

“Yeah I don't have to stretch to reach your back!” explains Dwalin nonchalantly.

 

“Stretch?”

 

“Well, I am much shorter than you!” he shrugs.

 

By the time you reach the little village every single member of the company has at one point or another slapped your behind and you’re sure that by the time you ready for bed there will be hand prints on your backside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this, I've officially written all ten chapters and hope to post them over the next week.


	8. Kings and boxes.

“Open the door!”  you hear Thorin shout above the panicked voices of your fellow company members as you sprint up the path toward the house of Gandalf’s friend, the terrifying beast that now hunts you is getting closer by the second.  

 

“GET THAT DOOR OPEN” he shouts again, running to a standstill you can’t help but want to laugh, your majestic dwarf is trying (and failing) to open the large wooden door with Orcrist.

 

You can’t catch the laugh that escapes until it’s to late, and all but one the dwarves of Erebor turn to look at you as if you’ve lost mind.

 

“Maybe you would care to help, instead of just standing there human.” says his royal gruffness, slightly peeved you push your way through your band of weary heroes and open the door with ease, you knew being the only human amongst your dwarvish companions and of course dear-Bilbo would have its uses, even though it was mainly reaching the things that they couldn’t, like that particularly memorable time in Rivendell.

 

The doors shuts only a few seconds before the bear reaches it and the relief or not being eaten is palpable.  

 

“What is that?”  Ori cries from somewhere in Dori’s arms – you’d think he’d know what a bear is at his age.

 

“That is Beorn and he is our host!”  says the old man, he almost sounds gleeful.

 

One by one the company beds down for the night still a little nervy of attack from our ‘host’ until the only yourself and Thorin are awake.

 

“Stop sulking dear, you’ll age prematurely.”  you reach out and grasp Thorin’s braids, gently tugging until he stands on the tips of his toes,  

 

“Woman,” he growls in warning  

 

“Oh, just be quiet, dwarf” you reply before leaning down to kiss him gently. “See isn’t that better?”  You ask quietly

 

“I would do the same to you.”  He breathes against your lips, tugging at the ends of your hair.

 

You smile sweetly before replying,  “Oh, well my king, should I find you a box?”

 

~


	9. Barrels and how not to escape.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What if the barrels had been to big for the dwarves to see out of once they were inside?

“Your supposed to be leading us out not further in!” whispers Bofur in a mildly panicked tone.

 

“Do as your told and get in the barrels.” is Bilbo’s only response. Although no is the general reaction to his command.

 

“Now, or I’ll leave you here.” Bilbo’s come so far, when you started this mad venture he wouldn’t say boo to a goose, now he argues with the entire company.

 

“Do as he says.” you say already climbing into one of the overly large wooden barrels.

 

Actually getting into the barrels is the easy bit, Bilbo then undoes a latch and before you know it…the floor falls out from under you and your barrel lands ‘delicately’ in the river below. You sit down in your barrel once you’ve hit the water, having guessed where Bilbo’s plan is taking you and listen to the sounds of the rest of the company joining you in their own little ‘boats’.

 

“Well done master burglar.” praise from Thorin, there’s something you don’t hear everyday.

 

“Oh, you know it was nothing.” dear Bilbo modest as ever,

 

“What about the elves won’t they notice we’re gone?” you ask to…well, no one really.

 

“Not till the morning.” replies Kili smoothly, sounding like he’s to your left.

 

“How’d you know that?” his brother asks.

 

“The red head…we were talking, the elves are busy with some star gazing party right now.”

 

“But it’s the middle of the day.” you say confusion evident in your voice.

 

“Yeah but did ya see how much booze they ‘ad in the cellar!” Bofur shouts. “They’d have to start early!”

 

“We should’ve taken some.” there’s Gloin.

 

“Nori probably did.” and Dwalin.

 

“Hey!” sounds from the dwarf in question.

 

You stand up in your barrel to properly join the conversation and it’s only then that you notice your travelling companions can’t actually see out of their barrels, you can just about see the top of Dwalin’s tattooed head and the points of Nori’s hair, not that you mention it. (Bilbo’s plan is resourceful and you don’t want to spoil the moment!)

 

“Bilbo now what?” questions Thorin.

 

“Well actually, I thought we’d just float down the river.” genius, absolute genius!

 

“Excellent, someone push off the rocks and get us started!”

 

So that’s how you found yourself watching fourteen barrels float down a river (that should have probably been guarded) ‘steered’ by the dwarves inside who couldn’t actually see where they were going, occasionally seeing a flash of hair to indicate who was in which barrel, until you ran out of current.

 

Of course once you made land they had to get back out (which was a fair bit harder than getting in!) and you were closer to the mountain than ever, you just had to cross the lake.

 

~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ta-da!
> 
> Up next…filling a prompt from the lovely people at imaginexhobbit - Imagine secretly hiding Thorin's clothes while he is bathing in the river and then laughing to yourself as a naked Thorin storms angrily back to camp?
> 
> If there’s a part in either the book or the movies (or not, if you’re into that sort of thing!) that you’d like written into this series drop a request to my tumblr it’s: www.durinsmistress.tumblr.com or leave a comment below J


	10. Lonely Mountains, Hidden Doors and Stone Stairs (GEN, Reader/Thorin’s company)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo spots the secret stone stairs leading to the hidden door, only there’s a problem…the dwarves aren’t tall enough to climb them.

“Look here I found it!” cries Bilbo excitedly, waving his arms in the air to get everyone’s attention.

 

“You have very keen eyes master Baggins.” says Thorin proudly, slapping Bilbo on the back.

 

From this distance (and once it's been pointed out) it's easy to spot the stone stairway carved into the giant dwarf that stands solemnly guarding the gates of Erebor.

 

“I wonder if he’s meant to be Durin?” you ask yourself quietly and wonder if the dwarves have some sort of size complex.

 

However, a teeny, tiny problem makes itself known when the few-dwarves-short company stand at the base of the first step.

 

Thorin stands proudly at the base of the stairway leaning on the first step “This passage was built by my forebears.” although he doesn't seem to have noticed that the step is as tall as him.

 

After several minutes of stunned silence and strange facial expressions within the group it's Nori who regains his voice first “How the blooming ‘ell are we suppose’ to walk up them?” he asks looking towards his older brother.

 

“Don't look at me Bilbo found them!” says Dori switching focus from himself to Bilbo.

 

“Hey this is all Thorin’s idea.” says Bilbo firmly raising his hands, as the company look toward their king, eyes filled with hope that maybe this is a joke and there’s a flight of proper dwarf sized stairs around here somewhere.

 

“Give me a minute.” declares Thorin studying the map…again, as if it holds more secret messages.

 

“I’ve got an idea!” you say proudly, pleased with your own genius.

 

“Really?” voices the king with a raised eyebrow. _Oooh there’s a challenge if ever you heard one._

 

“Dwalin on your knees, in front of the step.” you say (a little firmer than you meant to) without breaking eye contact with Thorin.

 

Although you have to hand it to Dwalin he diligently does as instructed and kneels before the stone stair.

 

“Ah, yes this is a fantastic plan,” mutters Thorin “if we bow to the steps perhaps they will change size!”

 

Ignoring him you instruct Ori to stand on Dwalin’s back and climb to the second step, then Bilbo, Balin and Dori.

 

“Now what y/n?” asks Bilbo hopefully.

 

“Oh well,” you start.

 

“Aye it's a bit of a tight squeeze on here if I’m honest.” interrupts Balin.

 

He is right of course the stairs may be tall but they are narrower than expected and can only just manage to fit four dwarves on together.

 

“Magnificent this plan of yours.” says Thorin from behind you, still brooding over his map, really who knew he did sarcasm so well.

 

Ignoring Thorin completely you begin to explain you master plan “Well if we work in two groups, using the method used to get the four of you onto that first step then we should reach the top in no time!”

 

“And I suppose it's my back they are supposed to stand on.” huffs Dori.

 

“Well,” you pause trying your hardest to think of a excuse “you and Dwalin are clearly the strongest here.” your statement makes them both preen with pride, if there is one thing besides gold that dwarves are vulnerable to it's flattery…tiny grumpy peacocks that they are.

 

It does take some time but the company soon develop a rhythm, although Dori and Dwalin turn it into a competition, nit-picking at each other for going too slowly, or moving clumsily… it's silly but whatever works!

 

After several hours of exhausting climbing the intrepid group of adventurers soon find themselves on a small smooth ledge where the dwarvish runes for welcome are carved into the floor.

 

“D’ya fink that blasted door is ‘ere?” asks Nori rubbing his brothers sore back, after so many hours both Dwalin and Dori have dusty footprints on their backs, though no one is brave enough to mention it.

 

“I don't care anymore.” answers Nori's younger brother, rubbing his feet through his boots.

 

“Well, we have a key,” states Dwalin dramatically “which means that somewhere there is a key hole!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kinda planned to finish it here…except they've only just got to the mountain and I keep thinking of other things to add, oh well!
> 
> On a side note I'm thinking of reordering the chapters into a (very) vague timeline. If you think it's a good idea leave a comment below :)


	11. A brief interlude

Thank you soooo much for all of the lovely comment, kudos and subscriptions (I didn't know you could do that!) I was planning to stop when the dwarves reached Erebor but I keep thinking of new things for our brave heroes to encounter, so I've decided to re-order the story every 10 or so chapters.

 

Stay tuned there's at least another 10 chapters to come!

 

If there's anything in particular that you'd like the dwarves to come up against (for this story or just in general) just leave it in the comments bit.


	12. Hobbits and long grass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin has a short cut…yeah, thats going to work.

“This way, quickly, follow me!” calls Thorin as he leads his company of rag-tag dwarves through a grassy meadow.

 

“But Thorin I really don't-” says Balin thoughtfully as the company head towards a patch of tall grass.

 

“Now, stop dallying.” replies Thorin without looking up from his map.

 

“But-” starts Balin again.

 

“Uncle are you sure this is a good idea?” asks Kili tentatively.

 

“It's tall grass, what could possibly happen?” retorts the king, temping fate as usual.

 

“Actually-” you say quietly from the back of the troupe, honestly your dwarves are funny things if that silly old map said ‘get naked and jump off a cliff’ they would probably do it.

 

As it is that silly old doodle that Thorin calls a map is about to send the company through long grass which is dangerous on multiple levels. Still ever trusting in their king the dwarves of Erebor pick up their packs and happily follow Thorin as he disappears into the grass.

 

It's cute, being human you’re able to see over the grass fairly well and you remember to take note of where your companions are, Dwalin is easy to spot, his tattooed head glistens in the sunlight. Fili is also easy to spot that silly spade he carries around hovers over him like a little satellite. You can hear Thorin trying to subtly shout in dwarfish as he moves around in circles and Bombur literally creates ripples in the grass around him.

 

Yourself and Dwalin are first to break through the section and situate yourselves at the base of a tree and wait for the oncoming spectacle to arise.

 

It doesn't take long.

 

“Bilbo lad, where are ye?” shouts Bofur, ever concerned for his hobbit friend. It's sweet, all you can see is the top of his hat.

 

“I’m over here!” calls the hobbit in answer.

 

“Where-”

 

“Put your arms in the air!” shouts Kili suddenly, somewhere off to the left.

 

“Okay can you see me now!” calls Bilbo again, although he sounds ever so slightly exasperated.

 

“NO!” shout several of the dwarves, sounding slightly panicked.

 

“Can you see us?” asks Ori, at least it sounds like Ori.

 

“NO!” shouts Bilbo…again.

 

With Bilbo’s admission most of the dwarves decide that holding their weapons in the air above their heads is a great way of finding each other. At least it gives you and Dwalin a chance to take stock

 

“It's alright Bilbo don't panic.” shouts Fili in his calmest princes voice.

 

“I’m not.”

 

“It's okay Bilbo WE WILL find you!” finishes his brother, although he sounds almost gleeful.

 

It's amusing to say the least, as the dwarves try to re-group and spread out to find their burglar. Eventually you and Dwalin are joined by Nori and Bofur and one by one the company (…hobbit included) make it into the clearing.

 

 

~

 

“Well at least that's over.” you say quietly to Dwalin as the company moves to set up camp.

 

“Yeah, but even Thorin should’ve known better than to take the hobbit into the long grass.” chuckles the armoured dwarf, as he shifts his axes on his back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has spawned a side story…its called Whose tallest of them all, I wrote chapter one ages ago but it fits sooo well with this series :)


End file.
